all in your head: living with a mood disorder
S e l f - I n j u r y warning: this page contains vivd descriptions of self - injury. if this will be triggering for you, please do not read on. 1.28.1998
Self-injury, also know as self-mutilation, also known as cutting is a source of shame for many who do it. Most people who know that I have been very depressed for the past two and a half years do not know that I am a cutter. Sometimes I see people notice my scars. It seems allien to me when they shudder. Even medical personnel shudder sometimes. I had blood taken in the hospital and the person taking it didn't say anything, but I know he saw and was disgusted.
It has not been something that I have done for the past several months, but it is very addictive. Once you start numbing yourself in this way, it is very hard to stop. For me, it is a way of negating suicidal impulses, of venting the pain. Causing myself pain is a way to distract myself from the internal pain I sometimes feel inside.
It become less and less effective each time that I do it. Sometimes I worry that I won't be able to stop if it doesn't work.
It brings me a numbness that has gone away since I have started to get better. I used to feel numb most of the time, all through high school I was emotionally numb. It was how I survived. Maybe I can describe the feeling this way: you know the way you feel after a really good cry? Take away the drained feeling, and you know how I feel after a good cut. Sometimes I do it just to be able to cope. I know that there is something that I need to accomplish, so I cut and I can get through it.
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