i feel numb. i feel smothered under a blanket that i cannot move
away. i don't feel anything. i don't think anything. numbnumbnumb . . . its not
comfortable . . . is there any such thing as comfortably numb? i really don't
think so . . .
augh. that pretty much sums up how i am feeling today. everything
feels like it is falling apart. . . i have no place left to run . .. no place
to hide . . .it's all broken . . . where can i find relief from this pain?
where . . . i don't know how much longer i can take this . . . .
i don't know how to begin and i don't know how it will end . . . i
can't sleep tonight . . . i suppose i will eventually get to sleep, but it
won't be enough. it never seems like its enough when you have to work in the
morning, especially when you have begun to hate your job with a passion. but at
least it gets me out of the house and i make a little money. but is the
agitation and stress and general shittyness that i feel worth it? i don't think
so. but do i really have the energy and the pulled-togetherness to look, really
look for a new job? i don't know. so i may be stuck where i am for a while. and
i hate the person that depression makes me be. i can be such a bitch.
i hate losing my temper and yelling. . . i hope this med starts working soon .
i am downsliding again. it all starts to feel so hopeless. its so hard
not to give up. sometimes i want to give up.
the fact that i had no idea what today's date is really sucks. i think
that i am losing touch with reality. *sigh*
and i am getting really really
tired of this depression bullsh*t. i am such a b*tch all the time cause its so
hard for me to just keep it together from day to day. i keep losing my temper
and then i feel really bad about it. i am a nice person. really i am. i think.
so i have to come home early from work cause my period came with a
vengance. its hard to look cheerful when you are in extreme pain. how i ever
got home without getting in a car accident i will never know. ow. what a sh*tty