g e t t i n g m y l i f e b a c k
8.13.98 In two and a half weeks I will start school again after almost two
years off. It's both frightening and exhilerating. I miss learning and being
intellectually stimulated. But I am also afaid that I'll overextend myself
again and make myself suceptable to another depressive episode.
I was scheduled to graduate last May. Almost everyone I knew is gone. I'm
frightened at the prospect of making all new friends, especially since I am
older than the average college student. (I'm only 22, but sometimes a year or
two can really make a difference.) I also have been through a lot and tend to
be more mature than a lot of people my age.
Its amazing that I can actually think about the future. Before I couldn't think ahead. I didn't even know if I would have a future.
I'm actually thinking about dating. About actually dating again. I haven't been in a real relationship since I was 17. I'm fiercely independent and don't feel like I need to have someone, and when I was depressed I tended to isolate myself, so that wasn't really conducive to dating. I was involved in a couple of minor flings, but mostly because I felt sorry for the person that I was with. And they didn't last more than a month or so.
I'm working and living on my own. Taking care of bills and housework and all that. It amazes me, because I was such a mess just a year ago. I couldn't function living on my own so I moved back home. I knew I was better when living home was starting to drive me a little crazy. I need my space. Its a healthy thing.